No, no, I did not go to a strip club in the city…although that is on my bucket list. In fact, I think there’s one not far from where I work. I wouldn’t give them any money though. I’m a broke college student grad. I’m sure they would prefer to have hundred dollar bills rain on them instead of the roll of nickels my grandmother gave me before I left for New York. (Hey Drake, I think I just came up with a new song for you; strippers, a sentimental story about throwing nickels at her, and then something about you falling in love with the imprint of Jefferson’s face on her right cheek. Feel free to put my Grammy in the mail).
This story is about my favorite form of transportation…THE SUBWAY! The subway has given me so many hilarious stories already it’s ridiculous. But, hopefully it’s also entertaining. *joke sound effect inserted here* I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge you aren’t supposed to stare at people on the subway. I’m actually not sure why this is common knowledge, something about not wanting to get stabbed or whatever. The point is, I try my hardest to look EVERYWHERE except directly in front of me when sitting on the subway, (except of course when Cynthia Nixon is sitting across from me). However, there are occasions when it is impossible to look at anything but what is directly ahead. And usually I end up seeing things I wish I hadn’t.
Okay, I blame MTA or Subway Builders R Us for putting bars directly above where people are seated. Eventually, (and often), people have to hold onto these bars and how are they supposed to position their bodies? I guess its common courtesy to face the seated person instead of having your butt in front of them. And I appreciate that. I really do. What I don’t appreciate is having to stare directly at someone’s crotch. Seriously, where else am I supposed to look? Where else can I look?! I can only stare down at my phone for so long. And Candy Crush only gives me 5 lives at a time! I can’t possibly spread those 5 lives over the course of 30 – 40 minutes! It’s addicting! And if having to stare at a stranger’s crotch at 8:30 in the morning doesn’t seem bad enough…well just wait until the train jerks and gravity forces that person, (and their crotch) closer to your face. I just really don’t understand what’s so wrong with standing sideways.
Dear subway riders, this is a serious question: what is so appealing and/or convenient about leaning your backside against the pole in the middle of the train car? I don’t understand. I usually see this when the train is only slightly crowded. People, male and female alike, will lean their buttocks against the pole and stay like that for the entire train ride. One time I saw a woman and the pole was literally in between her cheeks. That is really gross, appears to be uncomfortable and I’m pretty sure is a stripper technique. And the more I write about it, the more I want to just carry Clorox Wipes with me whenever I have to stand and hold the pole on the subway.
If people continue these subway riding practices I may be able to scratch “Go to strip club” off of my bucket list without ever having to set foot in an actual establishment. I can just ride the subway for an hour. I better get my roll of nickels ready.